During my final year of studying at university I conducted
research on women’s health and beauty norms.
The research overlapped with eating disorders and along with most
people, I thought these were mental health problems caused by the desire to
look ‘thin’. I was informed that nearly exclusively, all the women who suffered
from eating disorders (including the late princess Diana who suffered from
bulimia) shared one desire.
The desire for control over their lives. I was just as
shocked later on in my life when I discovered rape was a crime of power and not
lust.
An
article published on the Telegraph (UK) by the writer Nisha Lilia Diu gripped
me. She spoke about rape, from the perspective of a remorseful former rapist.I highly recommend you read this article - I
will link it below.
Is
there really such thing as a remorseful rapist? As societies we often struggle
with this topic, blaming the woman has been a very long tradition in most countries
in the world and as much as we know rape is the fault of the rapist and only
the rapist we struggle even in the most progressive societies to come up with a
solution.
In the
west we are so adamant to steer away from previous beliefs about it being the
fault of the victim that we steer in the opposite direction and completely fail
to humanize a rapist, out of fear of returning to ‘backward’ thinking. Although
returning to old thinking about the victim being to blame would be an immense
move in the wrong direction, not thinking about or throwing rapists in prison
and releasing them after 18 months usually does nothing to the rapist except
prevent them from offending for 18 months – They go back to it upon release, in
most cases.
The
article revealed some interesting findings; just by speaking to a former rapist
we can begin to understand that rape, unlike many other crimes is committed
across occupations and socio-economic class. It is a crime of power and not
‘about what she was wearing’ but more, how vulnerable she was. By neglecting the real reason rape occurs we have marginalized other groups who are susceptible to being raped such as young boys, the disabled and the vulnerable. Rapists often
come from a history of sexual assault during childhood but perhaps the most
shocking thing to me was that it has been linked to witnessing violence towards
women… domestic violence.
The
ex rapist whom the article refers to with the pseudonym ‘John’ revealed some
very deep and thought provoking information. In his case, stress was a majorly
contributing factor to when he was likely to rape, he felt no guilt at the time
and believes the cycle began early, when he was just 15 years old. He
experienced sexual abuse as a child and perhaps from this we can deduct where
the need for power comes from – the rejection of being a victim.
During
his prison sentence John received therapy in the form of ‘Sex offender treatment programs’ (SOTP), which surprisingly helped him realize the impact of his
crimes.
It wasn’t
his stay in prison that helped him, it was the therapy.
Although
John struggles to trust himself, he understands that the world sees him as a
monster – a very strong motive to want to return to prison. After reading the full article I began to
understand rape in a different way. The victim is left broken, abused and
mortified. The rapist doesn’t usually care enough to remember her. They are
thinking in a completely different way – there is nothing you can wear or do to
stop a rapist from raping you if they are ever given the chance to.
But as a
society, we have been so fixated on advising women on how to ‘not get raped’
instead of dealing in a sufficient manor with those doing the raping. This is a
cycle, sexual abuse coupled with neglect and early childhood trauma – no one is
born a rapist.
Before
anyone develops a sense of nostalgia towards rapists I would like to remind them
that during the time of the rape, rapists are nothing less than mindless
monsters – the childhood traumas are not an excuse, they are a suggested reason,
and reason will help us figure out how to deal with it, and hopefully prevent
it all together. Throwing rapists in prison doesn’t stop them from re-offending
when they get out, and sadly, only those whose sentences are over three years
will have access to (SOTP).
In order
to stop rape from happening, we need to first learn the motive – only then can
we start prevention.
I recently made a video calling out some of the ridiculous
‘beauty’ norms that we have in the west, east and everywhere inbetween
frankly. As we previously discussed, beauty is directly related to the country
perceived by the world as the most advanced (this perception of beauty is of course not
natural, and requires years of colonialism and forceful persuasion by the
‘dominant’ race on its colonies.)
This is why typically
beautiful features are usually European or attainable by Europeans only.
See this photo from an Indian children’s book teaching
children English. As you can see this brainwashing starts very young.
If you have the time, you can watch the vlog below, I would enjoy your input.
Inspired by this theme of talking to my younger self, I
decided to dedicate today’s blog to women. I’d like to give advice to young
women around the world about life which I have picked up along the way.
1.You will be judged by the way you look more than
anything else you do. Don’t bother thinking about this – do not listen to
advice about dressing how you want to be perceived… this advice will lead you
down a dodgy path which you will inevitably regret. Be you, if you don't know
who you are yet, try out whatever you want until you find it, and own it.
2.You are born with a need and desire to help
people you love, and give as much of yourself as possible – the media exploits
this need massively by feeding you fruitless advice, and then telling you what
to do when their advice doesn't work. It’s not that they mean to ruin your
life, its simply that the people writing the articles are often inexperienced and going on stereotypes and the need to pay bills, so they write with the hope to
sell, not to help you. Don’t ask online why ‘he won’t text back’- ask him. And if you’re scared of how that
will make him feel about you – think about how much he cares about how him not
texting YOU back makes you feel.
3.When a woman is raped, in every country in the
world there will be people who ask, what was she wearing? What was the time?
And who was she with? – This is because we live in a man’s world. Men are never
blamed without an explanation being offered. Ignore this. Remember this - Rape
is the fault of the woman when she is raping. Rape is the fault of the man when
he is raping.
4.In relationships, again because we live in a
man’s world (a world where men are the center from which we judge the norms)
women are depicted as ‘emotional’ which is a positive thing, but the world says
this is negative. Ignore them, and be as emotional as you want.
5.Due to feminism and gender equality, countries
like Sweden and Norway are very sexually liberal and have the same expectations
and rewards for both women and men. This is wonderful, but it also demonstrates
how we live in a man dominated society. Gender equality is perceived as ‘Woman
can do all the things men can do, too” in reality, women don't want to be men. We enjoy other things too, but
society thinks men are really great, and the best reward a woman can receive is
to be allowed to be like a man. Ignore this, and be whatever you feel like. The point in gender equality is providing choice.
6.When people tell you ‘you’re the man in your
relationship’ they mean you are the strong great ‘non emotional’ one. When they
say to a man ‘you’re the woman’ they mean you’re the pathetic emotional one.
Being emotional makes a man pathetic, being emotional makes a woman normal … do
you see where this is going? (it’s acceptable for women to be ‘pathetic and
weak’ but not for men, the same way its acceptable for children to scream and
cry but not for adults, why? Because adults know better, and so do men) This is
patronizing, I know, its difficult to get to grips with – but that's how the
world is, so try not to feed it by being ‘less emotional’ emotions are a
wonderful thing, they are not pathetic – they are the reason YOU are the one who
carries life into this world for nine months and YOU are the one who
breastfeeds and YOU are the one who loves unconditionally.
7.When
dating, be frank, upfront and honest. Talk to the man from day one about what
you want. The world demands that you tip-toe around men and wait until they are
comfortable and not bring up things that you want like marriage/security/monogamy
etc. Bring up what you want, be frank and it will save you a lot of time, and
relieve you of many men who do not want the same things but may be otherwise
compatible with you.
8.You are a giver, men are takers. This is fed by
society massively. It’s not only men who reinforce the ‘man’s’ world. Its
mostly women. Women who defend the double standards in men’s rights ‘as long as
men take care and marry obedient women like ‘them’.Whatever you do, DO
NOT become one of these women.
9.Although western countries claim they have
gender equality, women like J.K Rowling and Oprah Winfrey speak often about how
sexism is far bigger than racism or any other prejudice when you climb up the
ladder. Climb anyway – it wont last long if many women make it.
10.Although in Eastern countries they claim that
traditional gender roles are tied to religious obedience, they are not. They
are tied to cultural norms and political advantages. You will find that you can
challenge them using their own scriptures. You don't have to abandon your
beliefs to achieve equality, God doesn't see you as inferior, politics and
culture wants you to be, so stand up for your rights.
11.In western countries there is a phenomenon
known as ‘Resting Bitchy Face’ this is where a woman is expected to be smiling
all the time so that she is not called a bitch. Frown and cry whenever you want
to, and let everyone get used to it.
12.In the east women who smile are seen as
promiscuous, and sexually inviting. Be careful who you smile at, but remember,
you have the right to smile or frown as a reflection of how you feel – don't
put yourself in a position of danger, but campaign to change things that
infringe your rights.
13.In
the west if a man cheats on you, you are expected to walk out, and start over –
you should respect yourself and leave him. People will judge you if you stay.
Don’t concern yourself with this. If you feel that this is what you want to do,
do it. If not, stay with him and work things out. Stay because YOU want to, not
for the kids or because you’re used to him. The world says you wont find
anyone, - women who have left beg to differ.
14.In
the east if a man cheats on you, you are expected to stay with him, he only
cheated because you are ‘not enough’ ‘not giving enough’ ‘being too nice’
‘being too distant’ or … because he’s a man and it’s the other woman’s fault.
You should think about your children and him and your family and society –
never ever think about you. If you want to leave him, LEAVE. People will try to
make you feel bad – ignore them, they are more concerned about maintaining
sexist norms that will keep this cycle of hypocrisy alive than your children and your happiness.
15.If
you want to be respected in the west, you have to be a working woman. If you
want emotional satisfaction (in most women, not all) you will want a family and
children. Gender equality means women can do what men do – not men do what
‘women’ have and still do, so don't delude yourself, you are expected to take
care of domestics as well as work. Don’t buy into this. The real meaning of
gender equality is that we are both equally valued. Find a man who respects and
SHARES, not just ‘helps out’ with domestics.
16.If
you feel like feminism is wrong, and we should be promoting ‘gender equality’
instead – my darling you have been sadly deluded into believing that the world
sees men and women as equal. Remember, men have always had rights, and it was
during a time where sexism was the norm when men created the blueprint for the
world we live in today. Therefore cultural, political and societal norms back
up sexism against women – making it harder for us to have rights, let alone
stand up for them. Although sexism against men does exist, it is not as
institutionally accepted as sexism against women. Don’t forget this.
17.And
finally. Sexual liberation means
men and women can enjoy relations without commitment or fear of judgment in
many countries. This is something men have been enjoying for a very long time,
and only recently women are ‘enjoying’ this too.If you don’t enjoy this – don't do it. There
is nothing wrong with you, this was, for a very long time how men enjoyed
themselves. Women traditionally like to be loved emotionally more and enjoyed
physical relations when they were emotionally attached. Imagine a world where men
were allowed to be emotional without being judged or looked down upon – you
could probably be emotionally loving to many men without getting attached, but
they would be hurt eventually by this as this is not how they traditionally
enjoy themselves.The same principle
applies in reverse. One of the worst things society does to you as a woman is
that it makes you dislike things about you, things that if you changed would
make men happier, don’t change anything you don't want to change, and embrace who you are - you are great.
As you will probably
know, the American President Barak Obama was born to a Muslim, then Christian,
then Atheist African man, and a Christian, then Secular European woman.
His mother raised him along
with his stepfather, an Indonesian Muslim man, and he shares blood with a half
Indonesian Buddhist sister.
He was born in Hawaii,
and for a while lived in Indonesia and later became known as the first African
American president.
Obama is not only the
first African American president… he is the first president to truly represent most
of America and this is not just because of his DNA.
Although he has roots
in Europe, Africa and America, his upbringing means he has roots in Asia too.
This is why I refer to people
who are very mixed in their cultural understandings of life as having the
‘Obama Syndrome’.
It is no doubt a social
advantage, you understand deeply people from completely different backgrounds
natively. You simply get it. Sometimes you stop people from arguing due to
subtle misunderstandings which are so easy for you to spot, other times you
watch them, to see if eventually they will figure it out themselves (or purely
for your entertainment.)
As a person who comes
from many places (as deemed by the world I live in) I was confused for the
better half of my childhood and young adulthood.
I was born in
Saudi...according to some that makes me Saudi, my parents are Sudanese,
according to others that makes me Sudanese, I went back to Sudan at the age of
4 and stayed here until I was 7, then moved to England and stayed there until I
was an adult - so many people identify me as British.
Your nationality is
much like your name, it's given to you by the world (other people) but unlike
my name, everyone was divided about who and what I was, and as a result, I deeply
struggled with displacement.
We live in a highly
political world, and the irony is that most people who say ‘I don’t care about/understand
politics’ or ‘I don’t see colour’ are actually unaware that they are living a
luxury which really means, politics and race are on my side, so I don't need to
think about them.
If identity was
something people just had, like their eye colour it wouldn't be a problem, but
it is not. People often quiz you to find out your 'allegiance' - are you them? or
are you us?
I remember very well sitting
with some English friends who were bickering about the Polish coming in ‘to our
country’ and taking ‘our jobs’. We grew up together and I guess they saw me as
English too, but I felt a strange irony.
For the most part, I
felt that I was Sudanese. I looked Sudanese, my parents spoke to me in Arabic I
enjoyed thoroughly our annual summer holidays in Sudan. Walking down the street
in Sudan no one would ever know that I wasn’t born and raised in Sudan. I loved
Sudan, my parents told me amazing stories about how they grew up here and how
much they missed it.
When I moved from our
small town in South-East England to London to attend university, I realized
something different. People here were very different, they were busy all the
time, they didn’t really care who you were or what you were doing, they got
very angry when someone trying to commit suicide caused their train to be
delayed; they didn’t thank bus drivers at the end of their journeys, and bus
drivers didn’t stop for them unless they waved… it took me a while to get used
to this. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but this was the first time my
behaviour branded me British, from the South-East.
After that I moved to
Sudan in 2012… and things started to change, I realized that speaking the
language was not the same as speaking the culture. I had no clue about the
customs and values , I didn't understand social cues as well as I thought I did
and I realized that the idea I had in my head of what Sudan was like was just
that – an idea in my head. What was most shocking perhaps was my utter refusal
to abandon my British values, values I didn't even know I had.
I began to understand
people, what they mean, how they act, but I refused to change – its not that I
couldn't, I wouldn't. I refused to
adopt any customs bad or good because I felt like a fraud. I knew it wasn’t
really me.
As you can imagine,
life became very confusing, you look like one thing but feel like another. It’s
almost like being adopted – you know they are not your biological parents, but
really, they are. I decided to look into my roots and try to understand the
concept of countries, races and ethnicities from within – there had to be
something that could extinguish this exhausting anguish.
Soon after I began researching African and Islamic history, I came across things that challenged strong
concepts we have, and are raised with. Perhaps the most prominent discovery was
when I realized no race was a ‘pure race’ as at some point we’ve all mixed,
even those claiming to be indigenous. When we look back in history, it is clear
that human beings are wonderers, in search of food and shelter. Food and
shelter comes in the form of land, whoever finds that land, stays there – until
another group militarily superior overthrows and enslaves or massacres them.
This basically means that ‘looking a certain way’ doesn't make anyone more or
less belonging to a land, it just shows how powerful you are in your ability to
stay there.
Take America for
example, White Americans are the majority – the land belonged to a complete
civilization before them, but due to being militarily superior, they massacred
them and now the land belongs to them. Take Sudan, in ancient Nubian times, the
Assyrians came (they discovered iron) and massacred the Nubians and claimed
themselves the kings of Nubia and Egypt. And now, the people who live here no
doubt have a mixed heritage of Assyrian, Nubian, Egyptian and later on Arab
blood. Just as civilizations wondered, nowadays, immigration means that my
parents were able to move to a new land, as the land they grew up in could no
longer serve them.
And so, in the same way
that an adopted child has roots that connect them to their biological parents
(particularly if the parent wished, but couldn't take care of them) I have
roots here in Sudan. But the fact still remains, it was Britain that took care
of me, it was Britain that watched me grow.
As a person of mixed
cultural origin, I will tell you this – our understanding of others is
profoundly deeper than those who are not mixed. I know Sudan very well, because
looking Sudanese, allows me to see other sides of this place. I know Britain even
better, not because I’m British, but because I grew up there. Britain is the
country with the values I believe in, but that doesn't mean I don't understand
well and respect Sudanese values.
In the same way, President
Obama is an American and understands American values and believes in them.
However he understands many other values too - This is why he is loved by many,
because he knows how to speak to all of us.
Little Notice - Apologies for the lateness, I will change the posting time to Sunday from now on as Thursday, Friday and Saturday are the weekend here so the internet is very very slow!
Dear Blogger
When we discussed the experiences of being mixed-race (coming
from two ethnicities, looking like neither but being genetically both), I
promised you that we would discuss people from mixed cultures someday. That day
has come, but it has become apparent to me that in order to fully explain it, I
will need to split this blog into 2 parts.
It’s very obvious when someone is a mixture, or at least not
‘fully’ black.
Although the majority of the black race residing outside of
West Africa has some sort of mix in them, they refer to themselves as black. This is the reason you may find that many
‘black’ siblings have very different skin tones, one could be caramel (inherited
from a white great grandparent) while another may be dark chocolate (inherited
from a black great grandparent) even when the parents are both very dark or
light.
Mixing occurred a long time ago and in many ways, mostly at
the beginning through rape but also there was marriage. However one race is
always perceived as superior to another, this is usually the one that is more advanced in
their military and economical power and in this day and age, this is the race
that looks lighter.
Previously when the Arabs had their golden era, they were the epitome of
beauty and power, white skin and light eyes were seen only in slaves (bought and
traded by Arabs mainly from what today is known as London, Paris, the
Netherlands, Spain and Italy) and prior to that of course black skin was a sign
of beauty during the Nubian kingdoms. (Cleopatra today would be asked to relax her hair, contour her nose and bleach her skin, but back then she was known as a beauty queen)
When you look closely at beauty, you will realize that
beauty is simply a reflection of which ‘race’ is more dominant economically and
militarily at that time. Simply put, it’s an equation of power. In today’s
climate Europeans and their descendants in America, Australia, South Africa etc
fill the categories of being the most powerful and therefore beauty norms as
well as mannerisms and general etiquette today are set by them.
This breeds a new norm of unconscious bias in society which often affects Whites in a positive way, and the darker you get, the more negatively you are perceived. When a mixed child
looks more like his/her black side in a society dominated by whites – they are
treated (discriminated against) as a black person. They feel a sense of
community when mixing with black relatives and they experience an understanding
compassion through their shared experiences of discrimination – something even
the least racist white parent cannot share with them.
Interestingly, when that same mixed person resides in an area
where most of the people are black, he/she is treated better because of the
above assumptions associated with being white. Beauty is set by white norms, so
having ‘kinky/curly’ hair which is blond/brownish, brown skin but light(er) eyes, is seen
as a sign of ‘whiteness’ therefore beauty.
So not only is the bias played out by whites; it’s also reinforced
by blacks – to the blacks you are better, to the whites you are worse. When
President Barak Obama was asked why he refers to himself as black, even though
he is half white – he said, ‘I don't think I was the one who made that choice’
Taking an example of a mixed person who looked more white -
the mother of Malcom X who went on to privately tutor white children (and was
significantly more educated than other blacks no doubt due to her skin tone) after the murder of her husband - she would immediately be rejected from work as soon as people ‘found out’ that
she was black.
Mariah Carey also often spoke of the difficulties she
encountered as a child when people found out she was black too… and so you can see the
trend.
You feel more comfortable labeling yourself with the side
that will not discriminate against you negatively – how can you call yourself white when
being white is not about your blood but your colour? If a white person from
Russia decided to move to America today, that person’s children would be considered
more white American than those half white with roots over 400 years old in the
country. It makes little sense to me to say ‘half’ because the child is not
dividing – a mother/father gives the same amount of DNA to a black child as
they do a white, but the one who ‘looks’ racially more like him/her is called
‘whole?’
As a person of mixed roots myself, I am very accepting of
both my middle eastern and African roots – but I can tell you for definite, it
was not always the case.
Mixed children are fully aware that they are both races, however they are discriminated against in the same way
that fully black individuals are, they receive no special treatment and it’s
not that they reject their white side, it’s more the case that society is
colour based, the problem is not the child, the problem is society. Although it should be noted that light skinned mixed children do experience difficulties with the black community too, however it is on a much smaller scale and mostly for different motives.
As for ‘mixed culture’ well, that's an even more complicated
issue, I like to call it the ‘Obama Syndrome’
