How to Deal with nonconstructive Critics

There are certain people who will make it their life’s quest to put you down. Some of them will do this unintentionally because they believe deep down that you are indestructible… It’s kind of like the people who used to bully Amanda Todd; the young Canadian girl who was so affected by bullying that she ended up taking her own life after documenting it on scratch cards on YouTube. 

The same people who used to bully her were flooding in the ‘we will miss you’ ‘you were such a great person’ comments.

Why?

Because only then had they realized the impact of their words.

So why bully her in the first place?

They were being mean because they were probably bored or they had their own issues and saw targeting her as a venting mechanism… but they genuinely didn't realize their words would affect the young girl so much – they also failed to note that they were doing it in mass numbers. It’s often the case that people only see things from their own perspectives – I am not justifying this, merely explaining.

This is the backlash behind being ‘strong’ or not showing when things get to you. People often try to push you until you crack, some out of pure hatred, and others, out of pure boredom because they have a genuine belief that your threshold will never crack.

As someone who has often been on the receiving end of great criticism, I will tell you this, the person I dislike the most is not the one who hates me… it’s the one who tells me that so and so hates me. I have dealt with many types of people in life and work and this particular person seems to be the one who always ruins relationships and causes tensions between people.

When dealing with critics it is important to remember a few things.

1.      If you weren't sought after, they wouldn't bother with you

2.      When someone criticizes you, (and it is not advice) they immediately put you above them or see you as a threat

3.      If you let this get to you, they have accomplished what they wanted to do, which is to get rid of you as a threat, and therefore make you bad at whatever you are shining at.

I think that the best way to deal with this type of thing is to remember that you are threatening to this person and unless they are just evil, they are probably venting from their own problems onto you because you appear to have something they crave – strength. If you keep this in mind, they will never get to you because you will always be self-assured. This means that you will never take anything they say seriously, and therefore it can never get to you. It's kind of like when a child says 'You're Ugly!' what they really mean is, I feel so frustrated with you and I want you to feel it too!!

Never get emotionally involved with anyone you do not fully know because that would be you handing them a whole load of power over you - power to make you happy, as well as sad.

Why I don't understand 'Religious' People.

There is something deeply irritating about false people.

By false I am not referring to 'fake', please do not mistake the two. 'Fake' are people who pretend they are something they are not, whereas 'false' people live out an entire new personality due to one little experience (which they probably blew out of proportion) and generally believe that this new personality is truly their own.

Now, usually it wouldn't bother me, people have every right to do as they please and I have every right to cut them out of my life as I please but its when the way they act starts to involve you in a way that you cannot control.

In case you haven't guessed it, I am talking about the 'oh suddenly I'm so religious, and I need to save you from the depths of hell' type people.

When I was younger, people trying to find out what is wrong with me, diagnosing the way I practice my spirituality as incorrect and then trying to fix me was single handedly the one thing that drove me insane. Mainly because it made me doubt myself, and inevitably I felt like a bad person.

But lately this stopped bothering me at all, I realized that for most of these people its about getting as many people on board with them as possible so that they can affirm their beliefs.

Don't get me wrong, I do not think all religious people are false - I just think that the ones who are truly religious and content with their beliefs don't need to go around and get people 'on board' with them because they are what they are.

What gets me however is that some of these 'newly found' religious people are so fixated on practicing the fundamental aspects of their religion, that they lose sight of the actual meaning, and they hold an arrogant demeanor about themselves for following the fundamentals.

Take Islam as an example, the Prophet Mohamed said that 'He who holds even an atoms weight in arrogance in his heart will never enter Paradise'.

He also used to wear clothing that just loosely touched his ankles (they didn't drag by the floor) - It is known in Islam to be forbidden for men to wear clothing that drags by the floor (such as the pope does with his cloak) as it is considered a sign of superiority. The prophet also had a beard.

So these newly found religious people are very good at growing beards, and wearing short trousers - but when it comes to being kind, talking to women without objectifying them for their clothing or never being arrogant, its like these basic things don't count!

Its like their appearance somehow makes them better than everyone else!

They use their new religious platform to act in ways that the prophet would never allow and frankly, what irritates me more about the middle east is that people immediately respect those who dress that way before even knowing them!!

 

Are 'White' people better?

For those of you familiar with my writing, you will know about my past,

I was born in a random country, raised in another, and ethnically I am from an entirely different country.

Having been raised with different languages and cultures from early on, by the time I reached puberty, I often felt displaced; As I grew and entered adulthood, those feelings were settled by my lack of need to define who I was in a way that segregated me.

I decided that being something, no one else has the option to be, eg: saying I'm 'Sudanese' is a form of segregation in itself. The fact that only people who possess certain DNA (something they were born with and have no control over whatsoever) is a divider amongst people.

With this way of thinking I was able to break many social and racial barriers and approach people I would have been too afraid to approach in the past, but what I didn't realize about Sudan, is that unlike the UK, not everyone who did not feel the same way about racial equality had to keep their mouths shut...

As I applied for a teaching job which I was more than qualified for, the principal of the school laughed hysterically in my face because I expected the salary he advertised for... He replied with 'That salary is for a white person' - I was puzzled, and to my confusion he simply continued 'You know, with white skin and blonde hair'.

So is it really possible that the white supremacy,  ideology exists openly in Sudan, when it comes to employability?

 

The only difference between the 'white, with blonde hair and blue eyes' (which for the record better fits a Polish person rather than an English) and I is the colour of their skin and their racial heritage.  We were educated the same, in fact I'm pretty sure that being 'white' overrode the need for education past high school for this employer.      
                                
My racial heritage is Sudanese and I can tell you first hand, I had no 'innate' knowledge of the Arabic language or culture when I moved back here a year ago. It would be naïve to assume that someone raised in one country has the same values and ethics as someone raised in another - Chinese people have very strong work ethics and work much more than they rest when compared to Europeans. The same goes when comparing Europeans to Sudanese... But to assume that a European raised in China will have a lower work ethic because they are 'European' in race seems a little bit ignorant.
                                                
The trouble is you hardly ever hear Europeans being turned down in China... or anywhere in the working world, so does the white superiority ideology still dominate the working world?

 

 

'Social Clash' Why do People Deactivate their Facebook Accounts?

Ok, so this is an interesting topic

More so because almost inevitably, they will reactivate it again at some point.

What is it about facebook that makes some people so emotional? And why is it that some people can sign in, laugh a bunch, and sign out again - while others sign in, find nothing new and are left feeling miserable by this?

Its interesting to say the least, however, as I am not a psychiatrist, nor have I researched this topic I can only offer my own opinion based on my own experiences using the social platform.

Facebook offers a wide range of abilities, some of which allow the user full control whereas other are completely disempowering, a little like real life.

For example, a user can privately message another, or publicly write on their wall - however the receiver is then free to do as they please with this information , much like a real life conversation - once you tell someone something, whether in private or in a public place, it is then up to that person to do as they please with it.

The only problem with this being online is that different people interpret Facebook 'information' differently, emotionally attentive people use real social rules when accessing the site, such as always replying to messages, specially now that people know when you have read their messages, keeping their passwords secure, logging off after using the site to make sure anything on their page is not seen by anyone other than them etc


 However other types of people see facebook purely as an 'online' interaction, anything shared on the site is not important as it is not 'real' communication. These people tend to be the ones who are never really bothered by the site. They use it for entertainment, news and to network - never to express emotions or any life changing experiences.

These people don't see a problem ignoring messages, not liking wall posts posted for them, and ignoring even messages written publicly, because again, this is just an online platform, if someone had something to say that was important they would contact them in a 'real' way.

For the emotionally attentive, having a message read and ignored is like 'someone walking out of a room in the middle of you starting a conversation with them' - as a friend of mine so nicely put it. She plays by the real social rules, whereas the person she messaged sees facebook as simply an online platform - and here comes the clash. Feeling ignored is upsetting, specially when in real life that person is very nice to you... it gets confusing why that person ignored you online but is so nice in real life... And when something gets to you this much, you end up deciding to take a break from it... only to come back because you never really figured out why it upset you.

The real issue here is, facebook has not yet been defined - is it a real platform or simply a virtual online community? There are many other factors which effect peoples decisions to leave the site, but for the purposes of keeping this short I will keep it at the social clash.

 

Is Hollywood love real?

As I'm getting older many things are becoming more apparent, with the most prominent thing being 'Love'.

After wading through countless online/offline articles about love, - the science of it, the emotions, the joy and the tragedy.. (and also the manipulation) I think my thought process' have come to a final halt, where I am so confused that I have decided to just stop thinking about it...

But is it even possible to not think about this concept when the very basic relationships which further our generations rely solely on it?

Perhaps its time to break down this concept. According to Hollywood, boy meets girl, she doesn't care, he makes her like him, then he messes up, she gets sad, then he makes it up to her, and they live happily ever after.

Hollywood marriages don't really last very long in real time. But as most of us have experienced this kind of love, in that exact or a very similar series, it would be silly to disregard it and mark it 'unreal'.

Perhaps the key is in marriage. Perhaps the real question is, does Hollywood love work in marriage? And for that my answer has become, no.

When it comes to Love in the Hollywood fashion, its about looking amazing, sweeping that person off their feet and expressing your feelings verbally as often as possible in the most elaborate ways. This is very sweet but it doesn't last long and often leads to heartache and bi-polar love. When you enter a marriage using Hollywood love, you will quickly learn that a successful marriage must morph love into something entirely different, in order to stay with your partner you must love them using all of the 'love' types you have experienced in your lifetime - combine the way you love your parents with the way you love your siblings, add a little passion and you will learn something new.

 Love has now morphed itself from saying 'I love you soooo much' to doing - picking up the towel he always leaves on the floor, or not getting mad at her for yelling at you when she is clearly PMSing.

Unless you are willing to let go of all of the expectations that come with the Hollywood love for your marriage, chances are you will be very disappointed.

I'm starting to think that the main reason for marriage failure is Hollywood convincing people that marriage and passionate love are the same thing - so people enter marriage with all of these expectations which just don't exist. 

Visiting London!

Forgive me if this post ends up looking a bit funny... I am using my phone (laptop is turning 5 and is at that awkward stage where if u move the wire in any way it disconnects) so I didn't bring it!

So i'm back in London! I love it! Ironically as I was heading towards the heathrow arrivals area I was thinking my goodness people walk so fast, which immediately made me realise that when I was arriving at Khatroum I was irritated by the slow pace of people...

The first couple of days here were amazing, first of all, everything is so readily available - every and anything! And unbelievablely, the price of shopping here is cheaper than in Sudan! I am very grateful for things I never even noticed before like electricty, water, no insects and people who don't ask invasive questions!

It's funny how the most incredulous rodent here is a pigeon... which by the way if you have never visited Marble arch you should NEVER feed... seriously they will attack you for more.

But sadly, lots of my friends have had enough of London - they feel like its too expensive and socially cruel and uncaring... could they really be craving the invasive attitudes that I've been suffering from since my arrival in khartoum last year? I know that sometimes having a bad day in London can feel really awful, but surely it can't be worse than sitting in a house in a country where the weather is 30 degrees in the evening waiting for the electricity and water to come back, meanwhile dealing with the relentless mosquitos and remembering you have work the next day....

When I think back, it actually seems like the attitudes of people in sudan are much happier than those is the uk - even though the lifestyle over there is so much more difficult,  you find that you are surrounded by family and family obligations and rules and boundaries and somehow, you don't have the time to dwell on negative emotions.

Its interesting to me because as someone who is both Sudanese and British  I feel like its time I took a step back and really consider these new thoughts. 

Blogger Works?

I can't believe blogger is still here after all those warnings that it would shut down in July....

I have so much to say, but firstly I will start off by saying that I completely failed at understanding tumblr... or twitter.

Second, I've learned that keeping something/someone you don't want because 'so many other people would bend over backwards for it/them' is a very good way to make yourself miserable.

And thirdly, being trapped in a job that you hate because the money is good is also soul draining.

I think you've probably guessed by now that the discoveries I made, I did so after leaving work.

As I'm in Sudan everyone decided to get involved and ask me a thousand and one questions about why, how silly I am being, how I will never find a job that pays like that again, how the depression will kick in after I'm broke, how I will never meet a husband now and the list is endless... Also they do it every time they see me which is starting to make me not want to visit anyone... (I know they mean well but sometimes it just gets too much)

Anyhow, I completely understand that being broke does make you depressed... but I believe that if you are prepared for something, no matter how bad things get knowing that this was your choice protects you from feelings of regret and anxiety. Also, I quit my job to launch a career, not to lounge around and do nothing.

So while that simmers lets talk about life.

I keep thinking about beans on toast, friendly dogs, people smiling at me, I even miss the bloody rain. I miss the way I used to get angry with spellchecker for highlighting the word 'colour' because I spell it with a 'u', I miss trees and greenery... I miss the way of life. I miss my friends and most... I just miss feeling at home.

But the sad thing that I've come to learn is that if I ever dare call England home in Sudan people laugh. In England, the term British includes both English and non-English people as one nation. In Sudan, White means British, - So a Russian born and raised in Russia who has nothing to do with England can be accepted as British but anyone with a hint of colour cannot be.

I found this really stupid. So they came to me with the theory of 'you can't be something you don't look like' but if that theory were correct I could be many things - Brazilian, Ethiopian, Somali, Dark skinned mixed race, Egyptian, Moroccan - and I'm just naming a few of the nationalities people have approached me with.

Also I look in no way Turkish - but my mothers grandmother was.

This topic upsets me, I just think its really silly to put racial boundaries between people.

On a positive note! yesterday I took my hideous gold dress to the drycleaners and it came back half gold half silver... but it looks so much better now haha :)