Social Media doesn't make us 'Anti-social'

The other day I was sitting at a hospital waiting room when I realized that I'd forgotten my phone.

It was time to face reality...

I could not pretend to be busy today.

I had to find something to look at without looking awkward...

I tried the ceiling, floors, the doors any lifeless object I could see but I found that looking at it for longer than a couple of minutes was extremely difficult - and people passing by those objects thought I was staring at them which made them look at me which then resulted in me looking back at them and confirming that I was in fact staring at them. (Even though I totally wasn't)

The problem with looking at someone is that it immediately makes one of you suspicious. You get the 'Why are you looking at me' stare-back (you are suspicious) or the 'Oh my god am I doing something wrong' stare back (they feel suspected)

I decided to do the only thing possible for me to avoid looking at anyone or anything - I got up, bought some coffee and drank and looked at my cup.

And then it hit me, if I had my phone, what would I be doing?

Probably one of these:

Instagram - looking at photos that mean something to people (90% of which depict their lives)
Facebook - looking at photos that mean something to people I knew (90% of which depict their lives)
Google+ - Reading stranger's ideas and making conversations
Twitter - Absorbing news/opinions of complete strangers
LinkedIn - Looking for creative talents who are where I want to be in life and reading about them

So I'm perfectly happy to look at strangers and their work, opinions even photos online... But when it's in real life, somehow it's strange and weird? The truth is many of us are like this.

But why is this? The other day a friend of mine introduced me to a friend of his. You see, this friend of his knew exactly who I was, I had received a notification from Linkedin that she had viewed my profile (therefore saw a photo of me and knows what I do) - the friend who introduced us had also previously told me that she had commented on my appearance once because I resembled a friend that she used to have.

Yet, during our 'formal introduction' she acted so surprised - as if she had never before set eyes on me. She smiled and greeted me warmly and although she knew exactly who I was before; it wasn't until this meeting that now there has become a social obligation for us to greet each other the next time we met.

That is the key difference between social media socializing and real life socializing.

In social media, if you both see each other, there are many factors that make you unlikely to greet each other - such as one of you might look up the other at 10am and the other starts looking at 6pm - or on a different day, or never.

Which means that neither of you is sure that the other is aware of you. Whereas in real life, you know if someone saw you and smiled or not.

There are many times when a group of people would be sitting together and suddenly they all fall silent and turn to their phones - I think this is because social media allows us to select exactly who we would like to socialize with at any given point. We are no longer obliged to talk to the person who is there - we can choose from a much wider spectrum of people, even those who are in different countries.

I would say that social media simply doesn't make us anti-social, it makes us selectively social which by all means reduces our social etiquette, not our social skills.

Hospital Visits and 'Lom' Culture

When I was younger I used to really love being sick.

It was the best thing that could possibly happen because it meant no school, no homework, never being punished for doing anything wrong and also - everyone had to be nice to me, especially my siblings.

My mother used to glare at anyone who came near me or did something that may potentially stress me out or upset me (even if it was my sister asking for her hairbrush back which I had taken without asking) To my mother, this simply was not the time for that and my sister was being selfish.

(Score!)

Also, my father would shower me with sweets and anything I asked for...

It's no wonder being sick as a child was always perceived by us as 'something really good' I remember actively staying next to my brother for a couple of days to catch his chest infection so that I too could enjoy the royal treatment. I even asked him to cough in my face a couple of times!

But the more I grow the more serious sickness becomes. As children any serious sickness in the family was probably concealed by my parents so that  we wouldn't be affected by it. But now, sickness visits friends, family and very close loved ones and to say it shakes your core is an understatement.

The other day I was in a hospital visiting someone - in Sudan it is a social obligation to visit someone if they are sick, when they get better, if they got married, have a son/daughter who got married, had a baby (the list is endless) and not doing so can result in the ending of friendships or even worse, family divisions due to a concept known as 'Lom' which translates to 'To Blame'.

Incorporating a visiting system within the culture although thoughtful and sweet (when done out of intention and not obligation) is extremely exhausting for the recovering patient who sees (and must greet) almost 100 people in the space of 3 hours. The patient needs to rest, however some visitors have driven for as long as four hours just to see the patient, and therefore it is considered ill mannered not to greet them.

If the visitor does not visit, they are perceived negatively by the society, and if the patient gets too many visitors it can be a threat to their recovery as it drastically reduces their sleep time.

So technically it's a lose-lose situation!

Is it possible for a middle ground to be met here? Will highlighting that neither side is happy cause a social revolution?

I think it's worth a try...

The 'Good Girl Complex' In Sudan

Interestingly enough I decided to become a better listener.

I read an article about the importance of listening and how most of us only 'listen' to hear when the person we are communicating with will stop talking so that we may speak. The article explained that this is not listening, and actually, listening is a skill - some people are born with it while others need to learn it.

Although I had come across this idea before, something in the way that this article was worded got through to me - so I decided to learn how to listen.

 I learned that listening includes but isn't limited to audio hearing - it includes watching, thinking and analyzing and most importantly, it involves never giving your opinion as this may mislead the speakers trail of thought.

Thanks to my new skill I have come up with a new theory about Sudanese culture - The Good Girl Complex.

I have grown fascinated by the deep rooted misogyny of this culture and their use of religious text to enforce it. My greatest challenge to date has been accepting that the misogyny is not only preached and practiced by men (which although unfair would seem rational) It's the very fact that women seem to enforce it too - even though this goes against their benefit. You would think that they would be wise enough to realize that at the very root of their practices lies the reinforcement of a system that will never approve their rights to freedom - the same rights boasted by men in the very same culture... However after careful consideration and some 'listening', I realized my own ethnocentric bias... these women may be through my eyes unaware and limited, but through their own they are happy and content.

In this culture roles are very important, men have a role and women have a role and these become more apparent as children become teenagers. Females are expected to participate in chores and give drinks and tea to guests whereas males are expected to drive, grocery shop and carry luggage or even leave their rooms to sleep on the floor in a random part of the house if a guest is over.

This distribution leans towards making men protectors and women protected - and the bias comes to play when exploring other aspects of human behavior such as the need for curiosity. When young, children are allowed to play freely, but the older they get the more restrictive the culture becomes for women and the more open it is for men.

A typical good girl in Sudan would abstain from smoking cigarettes, shisha, taking drugs, drinking alcohol or having extramarital activities. If she is ever caught participating in any of these (particularly the latter) she is very likely to be ostracized from her community and her family however a boy can enjoy these freedoms as long as he keeps it secret, and even if the secret is exposed, if he simply decides to 'change' or 'grow up' he is accepted no doubt. The reasons for this are still unclear to me however the 'good girl complex' is a school of thought that reinforces this ideology.

Although there are many girls and women who abstain from all of the things listed above, unless they live under a rock, they know what these things are or they know their effect or consequences - yet the culture demands they pretend that they don't.

When a conversation came up about the effects of alcohol the other day from a Sudanese male who drinks and was complaining from a hangover, a female immediately pretended she did not know anything about alcohol or it's effects or even what a hangover was. He immediately branded her a good girl and she followed through with the innocent act.

I stayed very quiet, knowing very well that this particular girl's father was a heavy drinker and she knew very well what a hangover was. I also know that she has never drank in her life and so was curious why she would take such a stance when she has nothing to feel guilty about...

And then it hit me - the fact that she needs to pretend that she doesn't know anything, reinforces the idea that women need to be 'protected' from curiosity. The outcome of women becoming curious is unknown in this culture and therefore the culture collectively fears it.

The men in this culture are under a delusion that women only abstain from things if they are completely unaware of them and therefore they restrict female curiosity from very early on in life - women understand this and feed it by pretending they don't know, to reassure the man - and so we have 'The Good Girl Complex'

It's interesting to say the least.

Are Mixed People Better?

Me: Sis, what do you think life would have been like if we were half English?

Sister: *Doesn't even hesitate* - dunno, we would probably just have been even more confused.

Would we have been?

Everyone knows that being mixed is combining two separate races - genetically you would be stronger than both your parents, with stronger in this context meaning healthier and more able to survive as an offspring. You are genetically from two separate geographical locations, and most of the time, you are more attractive than both of those races and well equipped to deal with both the climates of your parents.

But what is it really like to live not belonging to either race? Or what is it like to belong to two races and look like neither?

I am fully North Sudanese which to most people is considered an oxymoron. Being 'Fully North Sudanese' is like saying I'm 'Fully Arab and African mixed' but because the mixture occurred such a long time ago and there are so many of us it's just silly to say we are mixed. However that's not to say that Sudanese from all over Sudan are not aware of this mixture.

Being raised in the UK played a huge role in my personality formation no doubt, I feel it everyday when I am in Sudan, I know that I am different and so does everyone else but that's more the effects of 'mixed culture' than 'mixed race' and I will post about that at some point - but for now let's keep it about race.

In Sudan people are aware that they are Arab and African - however many shy away from identifying themselves as African. Our names are Arabic and our culture has morphed to suit Arab values and beliefs and embedded within Arab beliefs is 'misogyny' - therefore you find that those with Male Arab ancestors identify themselves more Arab than they do African whereas those whose mother is Arab identify themselves as African.

It's interesting to say the least and at first sight seems harmless, but as I searched deeper I realized that there was much more to this self attributed separatism than just differences in geographical regions. With any mixed child we realize the difference between one race and the other - although your parents might not come from this school of thought, a large portion of the world still attributes one race to be in some way superior to the other. In Sudan Arabs are considered superior to Africans - a prime example of how this is portrayed in the culture is demonstrated by the beauty standards and marriage norms.

A beautiful women is 'White, and has long straight soft hair'. By 'White' they mean of light skinned olive complexion (ranges from Rihanna's to Kim Kardashian's tone) - this standard is more suitable when describing an Arab woman from the UAE or Kuwait - not a Sudanese women who is born with brown short hair of curly/rough texture and a chocolate complexion.

Also,  when an 'Arab' Sudanese wishes to marry, they are faced with great family/societal difficulties if their chosen spouse is more African than Arab - Now, this is where the confusion kicks in.

Aren't we a mixture of Arab and African? So why is it a problem in society for us to re-mix? What on earth has made these people not able to see their African heritage when they look in the mirror? And why do they shy away from it?

What I find interesting is that Sudanese people who were raised in Western society tend to feel more comfortable identifying themselves as black more-so than Arab - whereas the ones raised in Sudan or the Middle East tend to identify themselves as Arabs. It's very interesting to me why the need to choose sides is prevalent.

Perhaps it's time for a dual identity? I am very comfortable being both - and on top of that, I enjoy that I have a mixed personality and some conflicting beliefs. I think that being from both races, and both schools of thought (western and eastern) I am able to identify complexes within both cultures/races without needing to prove one wrong or pick a side because I truly am both.

As dark as my complexion is, I am still Arab.

As light as my complexion is, I am still African.


      

Why are Muslim Men and Women Segregated?

First of all I would like to express my deepest respect for any mother out  there. I did not realise how difficult it is to spend 24 hours with a toddler. Let alone do this daily! Hats off to all mothers.

It seems bizarre to me why this occurs. All Muslims believe the concept of 'Hijab'. Hijab is modesty and covering - they vary however in their interpretation of how to portray the hijab. 

Some believe it to be a headscarf accompanied by long  clothing. Others believe the clothing must be loose. Some believe women have to cover their faces too while others believe hijab is a symbolic act and not a garment and therefore it is about your behavior.            

      

Men too have hijab however little disagree on what a man's hijab is so for the purpose of keeping this short I won't go into specific details about male hijab but if you'd like more info I'm more than happy to discuss it in the future.

Considering that the whole point of the hijab whether it be behavioral or dress-able or both,  is, to allow men and women to mix freely - why is it that they often don't?

I noticed this more-so during dining parties and funeral dinners - when male guests arrive the women are immediately partitioned, even though they are often dressed according to the dress code ideology of hijab which is considered the most risk free interpretation for most Muslims.   

So what's the point in making women cover in the first place if mixing is not allowed to occur anyway?

Surely the purpose of the 'hijab' in whatever context one takes it, is to allow men and women to mix without there being any discomfort to the man or the women due to undesired harassment, so if segregation must occur, what is the point in the hijab in the first place?

Is segregation an Islamic or an Arabian concept?

Period vs Ramadan

‘This is absolutely ridiculous! Ha!

It will never happen to me. Nope. Never. These people are overly conservative. I couldn't care less’.

She said. To herself - Once upon a time when it was just a 'story'.

If you're wondering where that passage came from - it was my response during a conversation with a traditional Sudanese cousin of mine, when she tried to explain to me that women who eat in front of men during Ramadan are really rude.
 
During the menstrual cycle, women are not allowed to fast during Ramadan - they must eat, and they must then re-fast after the month is over to make up for the days they didn't fast. Women also do not pray during their menstrual cycle but they do not have to make up the prayers - just the fasts.

This is a well known fact to all Muslims. Women are commanded NOT to fast.

I repeat. Not to fast.

Yet there is a social convention that prevents them from eating in public places... I'm sorry let me re-phrase that - women are expected to become FBI food agents during their cycles.

It's rude to eat during Ramadan in front of a man. And this is not something only present in Sudanese culture - its everywhere - any Muslim country has the same taboo, which is bizarre because it is directly hypocritical to the religious teachings they are supposed to practice.

 As you can imagine, I found this absolutely ridiculous, I mean seriously, if I have to make up these days I'm definitely going to at least enjoy them now. After much head scratching and weighing out my options of how not to offend people vs not compromising my own morals, I decided that this was really silly and I would eat.

 Then... a colleague of mine, who was also not fasting decided to go to the Supermarket

Her:  'Hind you get out and get the food! I can't I just cannot!'
Me: Umm... Sure

I decided to go for something light, like a chocolate bar and a drink, basically snacks - the lady at the till was eyeing me suspiciously, and everyone was peeking... at the time I didn't understand why because they too were food shopping – but I later realized that my shopping was the only shopping that looked like ‘right now’ food. When I got back to my car I took out the food to my friend’s utter horror

Her: 'NOOO!!! Not here!!!! Let’s park somewhere remote where no one can see us!!!
Me: Err OK...

So I literally drove to a corner within a corner before she was comfortable enough to eat. After we finished the snacks my friend shoved the wrappers in a bag, which she tied in several knots, then into another bag and then placed them underneath a rock near rubble on the side of the road. At this point I was on the verge of crying with laughter but I knew I couldn't because she was so serious about this...

It was when we got back to the office that things took a turn. One of the staff as a joke asked
'Are you fasting? You look too energized today!

And just when I was about to answer my friend jumped in, in a nervously loud shriek

'YES!!! OF COURSE SHE IS!!! WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT'.

He eyed us both suspiciously and then left the office at which she let out a massive sigh.

Up until that point I was fine. But now that she had lied on my behalf (out of very good intentions) it meant that I couldn't eat in front of anyone... I started to notice everything like how 'this drink leaves a red mark around the lips or those chips leave a lasting food smell therefore avoid eating those... it was completely ridiculous and annoying but as always I came to a conclusion.  

Even though there are many reasons Muslims can be eating during Ramadan – a women eating in public is the same as a woman holding a banner with ‘I’M ON MY PERIOD’ written on it, in public. 

The culture here is very conservative, therefore it is not perceived as a bold statement, but more as you being rude. I tried the FBI food agent thing but it felt too fake, so as a compromise I decided to just eat in private and not lie whenever I was asked. Eventually I think things will change but for now... FBI food agents - I feel for you. 

Is 'Black Face' Racist?

I'm late posting. I know. I apologize.

My life has been very busy... *coughs*

Moving on to the topic... unless you've been living under a rock for the past couple of weeks chances are your life has somehow been enhanced or on the contrary, inconvenienced by the antics of The World Cup 2014. Although I am neither a football fan nor a hater, the nature of my job means I have to discuss all topics which people like - and this is a particularly hot one.

But recently the discussions turned from amazing football strikers, excellent goal keepers and the best player being injured to racism in the stadium - and it wasn't your regular black and white racism (pun unintended but welcomed nonetheless) where something is racist and punishable... The situation involved an act depicted by one culture as extremely racist, while to another it was playful and innocent.

It all began when Germany was playing Ghana and two men, then, identified as Germans supporting the German team painted their faces black and had 'Ghana' written on their T-Shirts. This caused total offence to an African American lawyer from Alabama who expressed it to the men, but to his utter surprise, their response was not one of mockery, but bewilderment.

They did not see why he was upset or offended. From the viewpoint of the American, 'Black Face' is associated with minstrel shows which existed in America in the 1930's. They depicted white people, who painted their faces black mocking blacks by portraying them with negative characteristics attributed to them by the white community at the time.

In Germany however, black face is not at all a big deal... in fact Angela Merkel was recently photographed with a young boy dressed in black face to depict the black king from the three kings who famously visit Jesus at his birth in the nativity play which children portray at school in christian western society. Black face is merely face paint to indicate the racial origin of a person - not to mock it.

The two men turned out to be Dutch, and were actually supporting Ghana - but the American argued that they should have just worn the T-shirts, instead of using 'racist' connotations to depict their support for Ghana.

Which then begs the question - Who decides what is meant by 'Black Face'? Is it the case that because the use of it in the 1930's in America was negative that any white person painting their face black is racist? What about people who do it without thinking being black is bad? - Does that mean it is racist to not think being black is bad? Should 'White Face' be made racist too? Or should we use the positive stereotype of black face to destroy the negative association?

A very strong part of me feels that the best way to combat racism is by reducing the power that racist words or actions have. An example is that of Dani Alves, when a banana was thrown at him on the football pitch, instead of taking it as an insult attributing his race to a monkey - he simply ate it. This immediately made the racist gesture lose its power. Although I feel that this was a very powerful statement I am unsure whether or not this would work with words like ni***r - Would not taking offence eradicate a word's negative power? And if so, would this be a good thing or would it lead to us deleting parts of the word's history?