Visiting London!

Forgive me if this post ends up looking a bit funny... I am using my phone (laptop is turning 5 and is at that awkward stage where if u move the wire in any way it disconnects) so I didn't bring it!

So i'm back in London! I love it! Ironically as I was heading towards the heathrow arrivals area I was thinking my goodness people walk so fast, which immediately made me realise that when I was arriving at Khatroum I was irritated by the slow pace of people...

The first couple of days here were amazing, first of all, everything is so readily available - every and anything! And unbelievablely, the price of shopping here is cheaper than in Sudan! I am very grateful for things I never even noticed before like electricty, water, no insects and people who don't ask invasive questions!

It's funny how the most incredulous rodent here is a pigeon... which by the way if you have never visited Marble arch you should NEVER feed... seriously they will attack you for more.

But sadly, lots of my friends have had enough of London - they feel like its too expensive and socially cruel and uncaring... could they really be craving the invasive attitudes that I've been suffering from since my arrival in khartoum last year? I know that sometimes having a bad day in London can feel really awful, but surely it can't be worse than sitting in a house in a country where the weather is 30 degrees in the evening waiting for the electricity and water to come back, meanwhile dealing with the relentless mosquitos and remembering you have work the next day....

When I think back, it actually seems like the attitudes of people in sudan are much happier than those is the uk - even though the lifestyle over there is so much more difficult,  you find that you are surrounded by family and family obligations and rules and boundaries and somehow, you don't have the time to dwell on negative emotions.

Its interesting to me because as someone who is both Sudanese and British  I feel like its time I took a step back and really consider these new thoughts. 

Blogger Works?

I can't believe blogger is still here after all those warnings that it would shut down in July....

I have so much to say, but firstly I will start off by saying that I completely failed at understanding tumblr... or twitter.

Second, I've learned that keeping something/someone you don't want because 'so many other people would bend over backwards for it/them' is a very good way to make yourself miserable.

And thirdly, being trapped in a job that you hate because the money is good is also soul draining.

I think you've probably guessed by now that the discoveries I made, I did so after leaving work.

As I'm in Sudan everyone decided to get involved and ask me a thousand and one questions about why, how silly I am being, how I will never find a job that pays like that again, how the depression will kick in after I'm broke, how I will never meet a husband now and the list is endless... Also they do it every time they see me which is starting to make me not want to visit anyone... (I know they mean well but sometimes it just gets too much)

Anyhow, I completely understand that being broke does make you depressed... but I believe that if you are prepared for something, no matter how bad things get knowing that this was your choice protects you from feelings of regret and anxiety. Also, I quit my job to launch a career, not to lounge around and do nothing.

So while that simmers lets talk about life.

I keep thinking about beans on toast, friendly dogs, people smiling at me, I even miss the bloody rain. I miss the way I used to get angry with spellchecker for highlighting the word 'colour' because I spell it with a 'u', I miss trees and greenery... I miss the way of life. I miss my friends and most... I just miss feeling at home.

But the sad thing that I've come to learn is that if I ever dare call England home in Sudan people laugh. In England, the term British includes both English and non-English people as one nation. In Sudan, White means British, - So a Russian born and raised in Russia who has nothing to do with England can be accepted as British but anyone with a hint of colour cannot be.

I found this really stupid. So they came to me with the theory of 'you can't be something you don't look like' but if that theory were correct I could be many things - Brazilian, Ethiopian, Somali, Dark skinned mixed race, Egyptian, Moroccan - and I'm just naming a few of the nationalities people have approached me with.

Also I look in no way Turkish - but my mothers grandmother was.

This topic upsets me, I just think its really silly to put racial boundaries between people.

On a positive note! yesterday I took my hideous gold dress to the drycleaners and it came back half gold half silver... but it looks so much better now haha :)

ZzzzZzzzZzZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So Hotmail has decided to have plastic surgery, change its colour to blue and its name to Outlook.

When the hell did all of this even happen?

I feel so behind...

Dear Life: I thought we had a deal that as long as you don't issue me with the flu virus again I would stop complaining? What happened to that deal?

Dear Reader: It doesn't matter who or where you are, I have made a major discovery and you must try this. Seriously

I remember when I first came to Sudan I was completely astonished by one thing that people did. A typical household here houses a lot of people, as this is very much a collectivist culture, people generally live with their external families nearby or even in the same household and so it is often the case that the house would be full of life and noise.

 At around 2pm however, the house would fall dead silent.  No children, no kitchen fan, no television background noise, not even a cat meowing... and it needn't matter what day it was, everyone would be sound asleep.

At first I found this really hilarious... It was like a game to me... I simply couldn't fathom it... Why on earth would anyone waste 2-3 perfectly good daylight hours sleeping? Its beyond silly!

That was until I tried it.

Converted.

It feels like heaven. I don't know whether it's the heat, early starts at work, or just the slow pace of this nation but my god sleeping in the afternoon is the best thing I have ever learned from Sudan. I've realized that sleep also cures lots of other things, like anger or sadness, hell now I sleep at any given moment

Happy - Sleep

Sad - Sleep

Tired - Sleep

Bored - Sleep

Scared - Sleep

Anxious - Sleep

Hungry... - Haha no not quite this one...

But to restore the body and mind to normal function I really have found that this works! And the funny thing is, it's not just people, all the cats and dogs in the street they all sleep too... its almost like when your phone is acting up, so you turn it off for a while, then it works again..

Anyway.. I've been feeling pretty poorly this week with the flu and have been feeling completely sorry for myself... I actually miss work... I decided to prank my boss which was quite funny... haha

Anyhow, From now on, I will be introducing a new discussion forum on my facebook page. I will provide the links as soon as I get them but for now, Here is my facebook , so subscribe, leave your comments and join in the debates!

Later today I should be posting an interesting article about the supposed skin colour hierarchy in Sudan, following a controversial advertisement that was posted yesterday specifying a 'skin colour' preference for a job vacancy on the local Sudanese paper

http://www.facebook.com/hind.elhaj.7

The Help

I've had enough. This country sucks, seriously, I need structure, this is non-existent! URGH.

Just as a side note, I'm getting really fed up with people asking me whether I'm British or Sudanese. In short I am both and neither.

And frankly for now, that answer will have to do as I refuse to dignify this question with a full post

... yet. 

I don't believe in race more than that it is an adaptational coating to help whoever deal with different climates. Period.

So I decided I would go back to England.. or at least start applying for jobs elsewhere, as there is very little structure here and work is completely informal... I started to look around online and ask people... and obviously the internet stopped working, gently swaying me towards solitude.. and thinking time... 

It's so weird when you start thinking about life, and what the meaning of everything is... what's the point of anything anyway...

That trance of thought always leads to a dead-end so I end up thinking about it this way

Life is the time we are given until we die. The real question is, Am I spending this time wisely? Should I be living now for the future or should I enjoy the present and hope that all that talk about how wasting the present will lead to no future won't apply to me... And does enjoying the present have to be a waste of time?

It seems tricky, I don't know how long I have until I will die. No one knows. But if it were to happen tomorrow, I would want to be happy and at peace with myself... and that can be achieved if I work towards a future goal, or if I lounge around and do nothing ... it's all about my mindset.

Comparatively - Sudan is a difficult place to live because there is very little to do... besides eating out there is really nothing else... specially for a female, everything is so 'Taboo' and it sometimes feels like I'm living in the 1920's.

But... there are little things that make you stay... the truth is I don't feel at 'home' anywhere... I don't feel like there will ever be such a thing as a home country for me, the countries belong to whomever made them, not  to 'who was there first' and I will live wherever I find success and happiness, and I won't feel like a stranger. 

Success means making something of yourself, Sudan is very much a developing country, and making anything here is bound to work because whatever it is, this country is in need of it...In terms of happiness.. I have family and friends and I live a very care free life here... Stress comes from having no stress if that makes sense... probably because I've been conditioned to feel like unless there is stress there is no real achievement...

Also, there is the help. Most of where I live in Sudan the help are Ethiopian. God's gift to Africa. They are probably the most gorgeous looking people ever.

Apparently they're a mixture of Black and Italian and well, we all know how that goes (Alicia Keys, Lauren London..etc) 

Our maid... wow... seriously, the first day she came it was like Cinderella... except I was one of the ugly sisters... And what is so amazing about her is that she genuinely gets offended or feels sad if I do things myself.. like I used to wash my own dishes whenever I got the chance to, so she started waiting for me to finish eating in order to make sure she was the one who washes the dishes...

I leave my room a tip and come back to freshly made sheets and a lovely scent...  and her wonderful face smiling at me...

Seriously, I think I'm in love. And just when I was juggling which lifestyle is better (as well as realizing now that we've met...I cannot live without her) I've decided that if I cannot make the most of what I have, then I'm not spending my time wisely... So that is what I will learn. Regardless of where I am, I must know how to be successful and happy.

Relationships

The other day our office printer decided it won't print for me as it 'No longer recognizes my device'...

That's a bit harsh isn't printer... Kind of hurt my feelings a bit...I mean... we have been together for about 5 months now... u suddenly 'don't know me anymore'....

Dear Life: Lets talk about relationships.

Its almost a sin for a female to be single here... and that really sucks... big time.

And by single that pretty much means unmarried. Everyone wants you to get married, as soon as you finish Uni, thats it.. May the nagging commerce!!

And if you have a boyfriend, but your not married for whatever reason (not enough money, still getting know each other, want to wait a bit) That is complete non-sense. You can get to know each other after your married! Also, they will be encouraging you to keep your options open, look elsewhere.. find a better deal!! <- LOL. God this makes me laugh everytime...

When it comes to relationships.. there is a very different appraoach... Love is like the icing on the cake... it is not the reason people get married, it helps no doubt, but marriage is seen as more, two people, wanting to commit.. they love each other, but they are very aware of many things that in the west are not really mentioned..

An example can be in their outlook.. They know their marriage will last, because they will make it last, regardless of the circumstances - they are also aware that their love for each other will change, and it will become more like a habit or a routine... In the west this seems more like when a marriage is no longer functioning .. but here its is regarded as a normal step in a long term marriage...

When it comes to relationships, they are mostly all serious. People talk about marriage from the first date (ha ha ha... imagine doing that in England!) whether they end up in a marriage or not however is irrelevant.

As a female, between the age of 16-19, you get banter from your immediate family, they joke about it...

20+, it becomes the main topic everyone talks to you about, until your marriage date - And by everyone I mean your aunts, uncles, married friends, parents, grandma, grandpa, friends at work, friends of your family at work who heard the news (Being single is almost like being sick.. we need to fix it!)

The Advise:

When are you getting married?
Why aren't you married?
You need to start looking prettier
I know a really amazing guy from a wonderful family!
You're too thin...
This cream will make your skin amazing (Probably make your skin lighter)
You know, your fertilitaty is a ticking clock.

Then when they realise your happy single... They pronounce you brainwashed by western influence.. because no woman in her right mind wants to be single... and a new approach is introduced.

You become the experiment / their research project

So.. what do you think about men?
 'They're ok.. I don't think much about them...'

Are you affraid of them?
'I wouldn't say I am'

Do you think men and women should be the same? As in you want to dominate?
'I think equality is a good thing'

Do you have to be the one to propose to a man?'
'I don't think it matters..'

Right.. So.. do you think that you're young?
'Umm.. I'm in my twenties..'

So you think that marriage is a bad thing?
'No, I just think that if it happens it happens'

*GASPS*
IF?!!?!?!

Conclusion:
You're completely deluded, anti-men, workaholic (work driven only) don't want or value children and want to be the dominating one in everything. You have a complex.

Required Action:
They must help you, and teach you not to be those things you defiantly are.

And the funny thing is, they already concluded this before asking you any questions... that's it... you are crazy.. and they must must must help you - Because if they don't, you will waste your life on silly things and regret not having children and a husband. and That. Is. That.

The Female Complex Perks

Right. So.

I'm a bit late in posting.

Totally did that on purpose. 

My shoe fell off today..

I really believe feet get smaller at some point...

Line number 3 was a lie.

Dear Life: Can't quite believe I have people from over 15 countries reading my blog... and I've covered all the continents... wow.. Thanks everyone :)

So... Recap: I was brought back to Sudan. Cried about it. Got over it. Got on with it. Then wrote about it.

What happens now?

As many graduates from non-medical fields would tell you... after the hype of graduation...we get a dose of what I like to call the 'graduate blues'

Goes a bit like this: 

Why the hell did I waste all that money at Uni?! I didn't even need this..  This was the wrong degree! what the hell..  I need to do a masters...there are NO jobs... I need to do a diploma... What do I want to do with my life?? This is too much! I don't even know if I want these jobs I'm being rejected for anyway! I'm so sad.. I'm so happy! Everything is great... Omg everything sucks.. I don't know how I feel...*Cries*

Then there's those random dumb moments where you rose tint the most horrible memories to make them seem like they were so amazing, like your ex.. and how 'happy' you were.. breaking up was a mistake (even though it completely wasn't)... and how school was so care free back in the day.. (even though you probably didn't like it when you were there) 

I remember actually wanting a child at some point.. then I decided a cat would be better LOL

It's kind of like a bi-polar love-hate relationship where you like yourself for being a free spirit and not wanting to be tied down by some kind of soul draining occupation... but also feeling like you are entirely useless because you should have a job. A good graduate job.

 In Sudan there is less pressure on women. They don't have to have a job... They have a choice - you want to work - cool, you don't, don't worry! Someone will come and marry you anyway. He will take care of your finances and you will take care of the domestics. So they tend to either work any job until they get married, or just hang out until they get married... <- don't get me wrong, a lot of women work serious jobs, it's just not expected of them. 

At my particular job I am the only female. It's kind of nice... there is definitely discrimination - but not in the way you would expect  - Being female kind of means everyone feels the need to 'take care' of you... At first this used to infuriate me.. I took it as them genuinely believing that I was in some way intellectually inferior. Then I realized... Yes... they do think that... but ... I know I'm not... and frankly I'm getting a lot of annoying jobs done on my behalf... so... works for me...

For example there is the 'pay' complex, where because your female, they have to pay for all of your food when you eat out.. (tbh I couldn't deal with this one, felt a bit bad, so I taught them the English style) But it's a positive nonetheless! Then there is the never having to deal with anything that requires patience/ effort.. eg: Never having to wait in line for anything... never being yelled at even if you mess everything up...

A key difference is that in England men and women are treated the same. In Sudan, men and women are assigned different roles, and treated accordingly. It's interesting to say the least... and I'm loving the perks.. :)